Now, this is more than just a trivial question, because I believe that it’s our predisposition toward drama and projection that underpins much of human suffering. I define drama as the “irresponsible emotional manipulation of others with the aim of establishing a personal agenda.” Drama is rewarding to the ego because it grants us an opportunity to get what we want in situations where the ego feels that it either has no real power, or when it does not want to pay the price for embodying genuine strength. And what does our ego want? It typically seeks security and stability, to have our narrative remain unchallenged, and to garner us attention and power. That attention-seeking may be to establish ourselves as victims, and to manipulate a situation from that status. Or that attention may be to elevate our sense of self-worth. For seeking status and power in society is often a compensation for our deeper sense of unworthiness.
Ultimately, it is our sense of powerlessness that drives the need for drama. That powerlessness may relate to a real-life situation that we feel we cannot change, and/or our fear of the pain that lies within us. Drama can serve as a wonderful distraction from our trauma, which is why our need for drama is inversely correlated with our level of Mental and Emotional Responsibility. In other words, drama queens and kings tend to feel powerless to deal with their own suffering, and so choose to abdicate – no pun intended – from their difficult task of dealing with what lies within.
Needless to say, if you want to get important stuff done and live an empowered life, one that actually embodies your Deep Self, you need to minimise your need for drama. Drama emerges from the small-s-self – or sELF as I like to call it, not the Deep Self, or Authentic Self.
So, what can be done about the need for drama? The first step is to recognize when this predisposition is arising within you; and the second is to acknowledge the real agenda of the ego, and the pain that often lies behind it. The third step is to take Mental and Emotional Responsibility. Finally, we can choose another path forward (and that may include choosing not to take any action at all). A bit more about that in a moment.
The need for drama is mostly unconscious, so shadow work is required. And that necessitates that we be more honest about who we are, what drives us and how we are behaving.
Yes, that requires an ego fall .
But remember, while a self-generated ego fall may be uncomfortable, it’s a lot less painful than experiencing such a fall unwillingly, when someone close to us (or worse still, a rival) points out the disconcerting truth of what we have become . Ironically, the latter situation leaves you vulnerable to the ego games of others, as they may choose to use your fall from grace to personally discredit you or destroy your reputation.
Fortunately, being able to identify when your need for drama is high is not so difficult, and with a little practice and will power, you can develop the habit of witnessing your need for drama without self-flagellation.
To help you along with this slightly embarrassing introspection, I have develop a short questionnaire, which can be used when you suspect your ego is pushing you towards high drama. After you’ve used this questionnaire a few times, you’ll become much better at detecting when you have an elevated tendency for drama, and you won’t need to use it anymore (aside, you might like to share it with someone else, though). In other words, you’ll begin to integrate the ego, to bring your shadow into the light.
Your Need for Drama: A Questionnaire
OK, let’s do this. It will just take a minute or two to complete the exercise. Given that this is an introspective task, first allow yourself to relax deeply, and become present. To help you out, I will play some soft meditation music. You’ll need a pen or pencil and a piece of paper, or some other way to record your responses. There are just ten questions, so write the numbers one-to-ten vertically on the paper, with space to the right to record your response . You may now like to stop the video for a moment to do that. Alternatively, just listen to the questions and reflect on them.
Your task is simple. Read each question, then allow yourself to honestly answer. There will be a pause of ten seconds between each question. Write “0” if your best answer is little or no truth to this. Write “1” if you feel moderately affected. Write “2” if you feel affected significantly more than usual.
The Questions:
1. Am I feeling particularly stressed, irritable, angry, resentful, anxious or ashamed?
2. Am I ruminating upon a situation I’ve recently read about, seen or experienced, where I’ve been offended by an opinion, or feel I’ve been victimized or treated unfairly?
3. Do I have a strong and lingering sense of injustice or unfairness regarding some current situation?
4. Is there a recurring dialogue or “movie” in my mind where I am expressing judgment, blame and anger at someone, and letting them know how I really feel – in my head?
5. Is there currently a recurring and personal need to demonstrate that I (or my tribe) am right about a particular topic?
6. Am I feeling afraid of persecution or bullying, of being blamed for something, whether justified or not?
7. Am I feeling vulnerable, frightened or anxious, and wishing someone else would be responsible for that part of me? Do I want someone to rescue me?
8. Am I feeling abandoned, lost, helpless or betrayed, but do not know how to cope with those feelings?
9. Do I currently find myself wanting to gossip to others about someone or something I’m dissatisfied with, including in an online forum?
10. Am I currently feeling disconnected from my body, other people, and the present moment ?
How did you go? Now, add up the total score. Given that there are ten questions, the maximum total score is twenty, the lowest is zero. The higher your score, the greater your current need for drama. This is obviously a subjective self-report, but you can consider the following reflections.
Reflections Upon Your Total Score
• 0-5 : Your need for drama is low, and right now you probably don’t need to be particularly vigilant with your interactions with others.
• If you scored 6-10: You have a low-to-moderate need for drama. It may pay to keep an eye on yourself as you interact with others.
• If you got a total of 11-15, you currently have a moderately high need for drama. There is a strong possibility of generating conflict with others, so I would recommend that you be quite vigilant in your communications, online or offline. Some introspection on the underlying causes is advised.
• Finally, if your total is 16-20, this suggests that you currently have a very elevated need for drama, and the risk of having serious, energy-draining run-ins with others is high. It would be best to minimize unnecessary time in online and real-world situations where you might be easily triggered into anger and projection. Spending some time alone in reflection, or doing some self-nurturing work would be a good idea. You might also like to ask for help from trusted friends, loved ones or mental health professionals if you feel it’s necessary.
Now, I just want to emphasise that the feelings, attitudes and desires mentioned within this questionnaire are perfectly normal human experiences. The key is to notice them without judgment or self-recrimination when they are becoming significantly elevated above your typical levels. Anger is the key emotion to be attentive to when the need for drama is rising. This is because it is anger that is most likely to cause us to hit out and try to hurt or manipulate others – which in turn will likely then trigger those others’ need for drama. And when you get two or more people together who are triggered, drama is as sure to follow as night follows day.
Beyond the Need for Drama
Simply noticing without judgment that your need for drama is elevated is empowering, and goes a long way to rising above it. When you observe this kind of physiological state, you can immediately make a mental note to be vigilant in your interactions with others. And if you reflect upon the ten questions I gave you, you should also be able to get a sense of any obvious agendas you might have in your relationships, including any tendency toward setting yourself up as a victim, damaging the reputation of others, or seeking power and control over them. Another common agenda to be aware of is self-sabotage : setting yourself up for a fall. That’s more common than you might think.
There is another crucial point I would like to emphasise. In regard to the healing of the issues that underpin your need for drama, there may be a need for shadow work. Quite often situations that trigger us into fear, anger and blame have touched upon our personal trauma, which in turn will originate from our past, including our childhood. I’ve outlined several tools to help with this in my book Power and Presence; and more in my upcoming Power and Presence online course, which will be available soon via my web site mind-futures .com.
Of course, you might also like to seek help from a professional counsellor or coach if you are really struggling with your mental health and well-being. It does take time to develop competence in these kinds of skills, and asking for help is nothing to feel ashamed of.
Finally, practicing Mental and Emotional Responsibility is perhaps the best antidote to drama. But that does not mean that you only need to do inner work. The aim is to be responsible, but not over-responsible, and certainly not to be so passive as to allow others to push you around. Sometimes it’s necessary to be assertive, and to set boundaries with others. Quite often during our lives we need to teach others how to treat us, because those others just don’t have the personal responsibility levels to know how to respect and honor us. And beyond that, regarding the entire idea of personal empowerment, you should not underestimate the importance of taking concerted and Wise Action to create the kind of future that you prefer. For example, if you discover that your elevated need for drama stems from a sense of feeling alone and abandoned, then that stems not merely from your personal trauma history, but from a real-life situation that you would best be advised to address. Wise Actions are an important component of personal healing. But that is a subject for another video, so remember to like and subscribe if you want to see videos like that.
See you again soon, in an empowered and drama-free future.
Marcus
