Dreams that come true: Dreaming of Stuart Wilde’s death








Recently on their blog synchrosecrets.com, Rob and Trish Macgregor wrote a post which featured a quote on synchronicity by David R Hawkins, the mystic and author of the influential book Power vs Force. I have written about Hawkins quite a bit over the years, as I feel that much of what he writes has a very high level of truth. That post by the Macgregors inspired me to go to YouTube and watch some of Hawkin’s videoed lectures. Unfortunately I was saddened to see one entitled “David R Hawkins’ last lecture”. I then found out that he had died in September 2012.    

I then recalled that I had had a vivid dream of Hawkins’ dying some time ago. I still recall the dream. In it I saw Hawkin’s face, and it was clear that he had passed away. The other thing was that his overall consciousness field appeared to be “empty”. This is hard to explain, but it was as if he was hollow. My sense is that this was because he was in a kind of non-dual state which he had often described himself as feeling like nothingness (BTW, this is not the highest state of consciousness, according to Hawkins).     

I have a lot of precognitive dreams, but I only write down my dreams every now and again these days – when I feel they are profound or perhaps precognitive. When I heard that Hawkins had died, I recalled the dream and that I’d written it down somewhere. So I went looking for it. I was particularly interested to find the exact date. 

Annoyingly, I couldn’t find it anywhere in my journals or on my computer. Then I recalled that I occasionally write down dreams on the notepad on my mobile phone. I try not to have my phone anywhere near my bed when I am sleeping these days, but I have sometimes kept it there deliberately for this very purpose.         

Alas, it was to no avail. The Hawkins’ dream was nowhere to be found on my mobile either (I know I put it somewhere!!!). But what I did find on my mobile notepad was a whole heap of dreams that I had recorded and mostly forgotten about. Some of them were quite fascinating.

But one really caught my attention. Indeed it was even more prophetic than the Hawkins’ dream.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this dream is that it occurred only six weeks ago. It is dated April 22, 2013. And I had absolutely forgotten about it!      

This is not that unusual (though it’s true I do remember a lot of dreams, even when I don’t record them).  

When I awake and write a dream down, I am often barely conscious, and in a very, very drowsy state. I fall back to sleep immediately, as soon as I record the dream. I am a very heavy sleeper.           

So what was so special about this dream? Well, take a look at it. This is the dream as I recorded it in its entirety. I emailed this to myself directly from my mobile note pad, and I have cut and pasted it here.          

I am looking in from a railway station at a pub across the road. It says “Stuart Wilde pub” on the sign. Then I look closer and see that it says: “Stu dead”. I feel great sadness.        

Then I hear someone say: “Is it true?”            

A little boy’s voice returns: “Yes. He had a heart attack.”      

I keep hearing the song “She’s out of my life.” (Michael Jackson) It’s very sad.     

Then I hear another voice. It is Stuart Wilde saying: “I’d like to thank her.”           

Next I am hearing words from the Cold Chisel song “Flame Trees”:           

 “There’s no change. There’s no pace. Everything within its place. Just makes it harder to believe that she won’t be around”.   

There is a sense of sadness and emptiness, like just after someone dies or leaves.


As many of you will know, Stuart Wilde died of a heart attack on May 1st, just over a week after I had that dream, while traveling through Ireland. I found out about Stuart’s death two weeks after that. I was very sad to hear about it. He had been very influential in my own spiritual journey.  I was moved to write this blog postabout his life and its significance.

Incredibly, when I came to write that post I had forgotten all about the dream which I’d recorded just a week or so before he died. I did have a vague recollection of dreaming about it, but it was very hazy, and I didn’t want to mention it on the article.    

Everything in the dream is very easy to understand, with perhaps the one vague part being Stuart’s cryptic words: “I’d like to thank her.” It felt as if he was literally grateful to a female who was close to him. My sense is that he was thanking his mother.  


Over the years I have had many premonitions. Most relate to my personal life. Some are about world events or public figures. Some are profound.           

There is one dream in my dream diary where I write about finding myself walking through Chengdu airport in Sichuan, China. Suddenly there are sirens going off everywhere. There is panic and it is clear there is a major emergency of some kind. Frustratingly, I didn’t date the dream, but it was probably just before the Sichuan earthquake which killed tens of thousands of people. Chengdu is the capital city of Sichuan.         

However some precognitive dreams are so trivial that I have to ask, “Why would my mind bother?” One morning while I was working in China I awoke seeing two faces in my mind’s eye. They said: “Sorry we can’t make it.” The faces were of two university students who had invited me to lunch.          

I turned up at the restaurant on time. They didn’t come. I wasn’t surprised.
Perhaps being students they couldn’t afford the phone call. So they sent the message telepathically.

Time, space and consciousness do not operate according to the “laws” set out in university text books. Our mainstream science is hopelessly out of date with these things.
The weight of evidence has been gnawing away at the fragile rigging of the good ship academia for many decades, but our institutions are too rigid to bend with the cosmic winds.

So it has come to pass that these same institutions are now perceived as regressive and deluded by more and more of the general public; and also by many within the dusty halls of academia and science.        

We saw this very clearly recently when TED pulled down two talks by Rupert Sheldrake and Graham Hancock. The backlash was furious. Thousands crowded the blogosphere to vent their outrage.    

Those doing the more formal criticising, like Craig Weiler, Dean Radin, Sebastian Penraeth and even my occasionally humble self, remain “fringe dwellers” – as Stuart Wilde liked to call those on the periphery of the mainstream.    

We are still not the majority. But that is changing. And relatively fast.

That’s why I have started
The Great Mind Shiftproject. It’s a means of helping ease the transition whereby the spiritual aspects of human consciousness will become fully integrated into our lives, society, education and science. The benefits for you, I and our children will be enormous.  

If you’d like to keep abreast of developments, keep an eye on this blog, or sign up for my monthly newsletter (send email to newsletter@marcustanthony.com).

Meanwhile, keep an eye on your dreams. They just might tell you something important.



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13 thoughts on “Dreams that come true: Dreaming of Stuart Wilde’s death

  1. I recorded all the dreams I could remember from 1982 to winding up the practice around 1994. Very few were prophetic and i only knew after they came true, i.e. useless prophecy. On reflection what I really learned was to remember dreams and now that I don’t record them I can spend the effort on distinguishing the useful ones. The most practically useful are where I see a negative event that I can avoid. it has been uncanny how I have seen something I didn’t not want to happen, and then I see the circumstances conspire while I step out of the way, invariably doing so by not letting my ego rule, on that occasion. Or I see deep emotional upset (deep rough water usually) so when it happens it is more like a gale than a hurricane. The other useful dreams are where I have been doing some work on myself and I either meet with my anima, and the tone tells me of my progress, or I see the stars. The latter leaves a great feeling, a little like your blue stone story elsewhere.

    I read your post because of the Stuart Wilde Reference. Along with Aleister Crowley, he has been among most interesting and hence influential to me. Both were scallywags in parallel to being sage. There is something there and I don’t consider either to be a failure (and I don’t think you really do either). Their influence clearly is worth every single silly thing they ever did.

    Your blog analysis on Stuart’s life was thought provoking. The first thought I had was that I would have gone straight to Shanghai to face fear and debunk the karma. I think that is what his mentor was offering to him. He might have died earlier, but subsequently might be alive again even better equipped to lead the world as he wanted to do, and as you want to.

  2. I found your website two nights ago, and I have to say that much of what you write resonates with me more than most material by other spiritual authors at this moment.

    I would love to go into how I happened to arrive at your door, but it is very complicated, and has unfolded over a number of years. I will offer a short compressed version, and give it short shrift. A remarkable spiritual awakening through meditation 20 years ago, a form of samadhi that most people only read about that changed me, including psychic ability, and then a long path. Going to Michael Jackson’s This Is It after he died, no fan just following up on a comment by Deepak Chopra that Michael performed in the ecstatic state. A remarkable experience at the theater. I “heard”, “Is this why you came.” That was way outside of my psychic experience. I became immersed in Michael and studied him, and immersed in a presence that transformed me. My heart opened in an unexplainable way. After a few years, a spiritual teacher thought something at me (telepathy), and that experience fell apart. Then I was no longer held in love and light. Dreams changed, into a state of waking awareness, beyond simple lucid dreams, with recurring characters, and this experience and characters were also experienced in my husband’s dreams as well. I attended a Deepak Chopra event, and someone mentioned the death of Stuart Wilde. I had never encountered him, and his writing was sort of way out there on his blog. As time passed, and I looked for an explanation of the supernatural experiences that I was having, that were now turning dark, I came to possibly believe that there was a dark side to what I was experiencing. Confusion set in. I’ve never wanted any of this, and I really only wanted to return to the state of clarity, well being, and knowing, and observing thoughts and feeling (ego) apart from it, aware of it, but being able to chose rather than sitting in a sense of despair. However, since I explored the dreams, the experiences, and the characters, and I spoke with many people who told me that all of this, including the love and light and spectacular stuff, was merely an entity causing it, and that I should banish it. I sit in a sense of confusion, and that brought me to your website when I searched using Stuart Wilde as a keyword. Okay, a lot more background than I expected to share. My comments will either intrigue you or not due to it.

    I found your dream about the impending death of Stuart Wilde intriguing since it included Michael Jackson. Michael was a remarkable mystic. My dreams after the MJ experience included a little boy who was a central character in them. I often dreamed, or awoke to Michael Jackson songs playing in my head, and that stayed there for days, and I was held in light and love. Billie Jean was not his lover, Shakti was. He danced in the center of the mandala, the floor in the round. See the Michael Jackson’s Super Bowl performance on YouTube where he turns the stadium designed for simulated war into a mandala, healing the world.

    Stuart Wilde was no fan of Michael Jackson, one needs only to go to his blog to see that he believed he was evil. However, I can’t help but see the connection, although obtuse, in a way between your dream and my experiences. The little boy. She’s Out of My Life. Maybe he is thanking the divine feminine.

    I wasn’t going to include this, but I’ve gone this far. I’m not familiar with Flame Tree. I’ll have to look up the lyrics. After a particularly remarkable dream experience, one that my husband and I dreamed in tandem, we awoke alarmed. We repeated the dreams to each other. When we finished, the tree outside of my bedroom window glowed. The light started at the base, and rose to the top, illuminating a very large maple tree. The light then centered itself in the window in front of us. As soon as we were aware of it it moved 100 feet back, and stopped. It did this once more, and then vanished into the horizon. It was Michael Jackson imagery. I suspect that it has something to do with Buddha and enlightenment under the Bodhi Tree. We went back to sleep, and my husband dreamed that we were to ignore all of the dreams and side shows, and go to the light.

    The quote from Flame Tree that you heard sounds like the feeling I’ve had when I’ve lost that connection to expanded love, that mind:

    “There’s no change. There’s no pace. Everything within its place. Just makes it harder to believe that she won’t be around”. There is a sense of sadness and emptiness, like just after someone dies or leaves.

    Well, it is an interesting coincidence.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. They have freed me a little from the dark place and doubt I am in now about all of this. But, as you write in your blog, everyone has specific life experiences, and I can’t seem to find someone who writes or speaks about the specific issues that I am having with my mystical experience, or expanded awareness. I don’t want to be trapped in the psychic or astral experiences. I want the clear mind that I once had and lost, and I can’t seem to find anyone to help me with it, and it’s not as if I haven’t tried.

    Thanks again.

    • Florie, the key for you is to develop the right relationship with the psychic. This is true for all people who either develop a psychic gift or naturally inherit one. Being present has to come first, being psychic somewhere after that.

      The problem is that we tend to give our power away to the psychic realms, by believing that our redemption is to be found in some profound vision, celestial visitation or piece of spiritual guidance. In doing so, we place the locus of our “self” “out there”. This simply mirrors the way people give their power away to desire, or to other people, to psychedelic drugs and so on.

      The truth is that no psychic or spiritual experience can free you. All it can do is guide you. But you have to let go of that experience and that information and come to rest in presence. This is not well understood in the new age communities, who tend to believe that the psychic realms or spiritual guidance will free them. It simply never can.

      You might like the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, or the teachings of Leonard Jacobson (Journey Into Now). Both are invaluable teachings on how to find peace in this world, and in this body.

      This is based on my experience. I am not making anyone else wrong. In the end, we find what works for us, and this is what has worked for me.

      Kind regards,


  3. Marcus,

    What you say above is precisely why I admired you.

    I was not gifted at birth. I didn’t come to any of this desiring either psychic ability or enlightenment. I didn’t believe that either existed. Having had my identity stripped from me, and it even took many years to understand that that had happened, I turned to spiritual healing and meditation based on it to figure out what to do with my life. Yes, I know it was misguided from the perspective of the goals of meditation, but it worked for me, and it was samadhi that healed me rather instantly, and showed me the direction I needed to take. And so much more. Had I understood what had happened at all, I would not have made a mistake that threw me out of what you call presence, and I lost much of the enlightened mind I was living in. Even people who were long-time meditators, and my own teacher, didn’t understand the type of samadhi experience I had. There was no one to guide me, and I really do live in the Metro New York City area that if filled with all sorts of spiritual teachers who are either based here or pass through, including the ones you mention, but I’m not one to stand in front of a group and ask questions. That would have done me little good because until about two years ago, I could not even find the language to describe the experience. It was not until a couple of weeks ago that I had the experience to bring me back to what you call presence, and everything fell into place. Presence, being here now, in the moment, and this is it, doesn’t even adequately explain what I needed. I had even had people transmit “everything is okay just as it is,” but it didn’t stay because I didn’t believe it.

    I had tried out a sort of new age healer who is way out there with her techniques, and I don’t think that they really helped me in any way. She held a group session, and I felt I just needed to be in it. So, I went. A woman in the group has struggled for years to accept the death of her husband. So, the healer performed a sort of group healing on her, and I stood behind the woman being healed. I walked away from the group not realizing I had been affected by her healing. It wasn’t until I was out on the street that I felt profound peace. From that peace, I experienced what I think you call presence, truly being in the moment. I was separate from my feeling and thought, and they functioned when I needed them or apart from this beingness. I’d finally found the missing peace.

    I just went back to this healer two days ago. I asked her to show me this experience again. She didn’t understand. Her thing is opening the heart. Trust me. My heart was blasted opened. I have been in such exquisite love that few people ever experience. A heart opening was not what I needed. I love living in love, but I was sort of stripped out of that too by a teacher, a very famous one, and it’s a wound I have not healed yet.

    I need to get to peace. Since I got this experience through samadhi, I know, I know first, feel emotion, and put a name to it, aka think. Therefore, I always believed that when I was instructed to eliminate my thoughts, I stilled the language that ran through my head. I am very still in this way. I didn’t think of emotion as a thought until I read Ram Dass who explained that it is a thought form. I am trapped in that thought form, that emotion of loss. I lost my indentity when I as just 18 when I was moving out into the world. I lost all my dreams and desires to the point that there’s nothing left that I want. I don’t even want what I lost. I just feel loss. Both in love and work. It’s too vast to write about.

    There’s where I am trapped. I know now that I used spiritual healing and meditation to find what I had lost. I even used the transcended mind to understand this. The one thing I was not doing, and what I needed to do to actually get what I desire to release myself from the prison I am in is to let go of the feeling of loss. To come into peace. It’s that simple. Obviously I’ve never followed the Buddhist path. I’m more of a Hindu in my ways.

    No, no one can tell you how. I’ve even had the grace of a guru really becoming omnipresent and omniscient with me for years, and oneness/love that was amazing, which is what much of the dream experience and love I write about comes from. But it was not love that I need to free me. And, I did have quite a bad experience with this person and lose that relationship too, and all that goes with it, and I am living in that loss now too.

    No one can tell you or show you precisely what you need. It’s further complicated by the lack of language out there that describes the experiences. Even if the language is adequately precise, you have to be it and not do it.

    So, now I work at healing my wounded heart, and opening it again. I work at learning how to quiet the emotions dominated by loss. Even if I can do that, I don’t know if that will bring me in to presence where all the magic happens for me.

    Love your message. Thanks for taking time to read and respond. I really appreciate it.


  4. I just thought I would add this. I read your blog the first time nine days ago when I read your dream about the death of Stuart Wilde. You heard lyrics from Flame Tree, by Cold Chisel, written by Jimmy Barnes. At that point, I new nothing about the song, the band, or the writer. However, this morning I was reading Deepak Chopra’s Twitter, and he wished Barnes well after his close call with a bombing in Bangkok within the last few hours. I mentioned above that I had struggled to understand my transcended experiences, and Chopra’s work helped me a great deal, I’m more than just a casual reader of his work. So, when I saw Chopra’s Tweet I thought…huh. That’s interesting. I don’t want to blow it up into synchronicity or some sort of spiritual thing. However, I do think that at least it point to awareness. Once something is new is brought to our attention, it often is noticed again and again. But maybe, there’s more to this. I had quite a mystical experience with Michael Jackson, and I’m not one who has a huge interest in music. Now I understand why people roll their eyes and think, “Crazy Michael Jackson fans.” It’s not that.

    • Florie, whatever mystical experience we have, we draw what we do from it. In the end it is nobody else’s business, unless of course the vision or experience involves them!

      Interesting you stumbled across Jimmy Barnes and the Bangkok tragedy. Few people outside of AUS or NZ know about the band Cold Chisel. They are an 80s band, my era.

      Interestingly two days ago while I was having an afternoon nap the word “Xinjiang” appeared before my mind’s eye in bright letters. Xinjiang is the far western province of China populated by Uigur Muslims. I felt the vision was to do with terrorist activity. So I went to the net, and the lead story was about the Bangkok bombing, which had only just happened, and I didn’t know about it. I was going to write a post yesterday suggesting the bombing was by Uigurs or affiliated groups in Thailand. But I didn’t get around to it. Now today I have just read the authorities are investigating a link with Xinjiang terrorists. I believe they will find the suspicion will be vindicated.

      • As you said, don’t share the experiences. I had a remarkable experience after going to John of God when he was in the US in 2009. My life opened to something else, and much love. I am not sure whether my Michael Jackson experience was purely Michael, or from JOG. I lived in light and love that visited me at night, and just in case I might think I was going crazy, it included my husband in the experience too, although I think my experience was much more vast, varied, and deep. I explored the experience a lot. I called it my field studies. I went back to JOG when he was in the US the following year, and the experience intensified. However, my field studies included checking out another person, a guru, involved with all of this. That’s when the entire experience intensified, and I would say that the closest comparison I can come up with are the stories Ram Dass tells about his guru Neem Karoli Baba. However, my experience was remote. This being remote viewed. It brought me and my husband into waking awareness in our dreams, and dreamed stories not our own. The love was beyond description. I don’t think it was coming out of JOG or Michael. I did a lot of reading, exploring, and asking people about this experience that no one really understood. Frankly, their advice destroyed the experience. No one really understood. I was told to build altars, recite prayers or requests for it to leave, and the like. It reached into my heart, and literally crushed it. It felt like a heart attack. I didn’t believe things such as this could happen. I’m just a meditator who wanted to know what to do with my life. I did confront the person who I thought was behind it and he crushed me. Energetically he split me in two. He turned me cold as icy. At the same time he transmitted, “I’m not your friend.” That’s the short version. I lost the connection entirely. There were many miracles, higher states of consciousness, and things that defy the ordinary human experience that I experienced out of this. I have a lot of loss to grieve over, but this is a loss that is beyond description as well. It went to my soul, and then tore it to shreds, and all because I shared with others, and also with the person who I believe was creating the experience. Wounded and furious, sometimes both, sometimes one. Incredible loss. That was three years ago, and I still feel it. Maybe it was an entity, a remarkable and ultimately cruel entity. Maybe it was someone who was very good with transmission, or Diksha as it transmitted to me. Maybe my friend is right, transmission ends badly. Up until this point, I had never been hurt in what I considered meditation.

        • Florie, those are remarkable experiences. The experience of love sounds very much the same as many mystics report in non-duel states of consciousness. Leonard Jacobson has a short section in his book Journey Into Now, for example, where he describes such a thing. When the experience ends there can be a great sense of loss.

          The big difference is that in your case it seems there is a third party involved. Therefore the “power” is outside yourself. If I were you I would seek out teachers who have had similar experiences – such as Leonard – and ask them how to come to terms with it. I’m pretty sure he will tell you that you cannot hold onto such experiences, because that is the mind’s grasping.

          I feel in your case you could do with a little more understanding about the way the mind tends to grab hold of these mystical experiences. Again, it is about developing the right relationship with the mind, and with mystical experience. If you have not developed the capacity to be a witness to your mind, it will tend to control you, and pull you back into suffering. A deepening into a more relaxed state of presence may be quite helpful for you.

          All the best,


      • I don’t usually have dreams or visions of the future, but if the event is dramatic or traumatic enough it happens. I thought of your story above when it happened a few days ago to me. It was a dream that was most disturbing, out of the ordinary. Very disturbing. So upsetting I even told my husband about it when he came to bed. This happened the night before the attack in Paris. A stage. A man hiding, unable to face the smell. Another man in front of the stage piling up bodies. Men wearing white headbands with a red circle in the center. I know now those were worn by Kamikazes, suicide bombers, during WWII. Wolves who are shapeshifter or attackers in my regular dreams, escaping and being pursued and some killed. The numbers of each of these characters correspond to those who were involved. It’s not a very useful skill since I don’t know what it represents in advance of the event, and it is doubtful it would be if I could. It does demonstrate that time, space, and consciousness are not what we think it is.

  5. I’ll start by saying that people are misled by even respected teachers about what the transcendent experience is, what Now is, what egolessness is, what the spiritual experience is. It’s my little pet peeve. What’s taught is impossible to do, and it really isn’t what the experience is. I’ve been lucky, graced in that way that I have been there, and am there in many ways.

    Thank you for the references. I will look into them. And, you are right, I need to find peace. Here’s my story, and my search. It isn’t easy to find people who will discuss this who understand it. If they understand, they tend to be unapproachable, and you have to realize that from my story I’ve tried to approach the unapproachble, and he flattened me, Guru No. 1,2, and most certainly 3.

    It has been 20 years ago, I learned meditation from healers. I was trying to find out what to do with my life. I turned to alternative forms of healing, healers and meditation. I was beginning to feel my own energy. I combine meditation on energy and love. One day energy rose in my body. A great rushing sound, and my heart opened to red light that became who I was. It was all a great surprise. Days later I meditated again. This time I became white light. I knew everything to know was already known. None of the greatest research libraries could ever hold the knowledge. Psychic ability manifest. My greatest fear, social fear and rejection, vanished and I returned to my self. Ego realized it had been protecting itself from itself and causing the thing it feared most. It stepped aside and allowed another mind to take over. I lived in a state of well being and clarity. I knew, felt what I knew, and I put the feelings into words. I watched what is called ego filled with its thoughts and feeling. However, I was not ruled by it. Instead I watched from a dimensional place apart from it, but fully engaged above it. I could chose what that mind wanted, without being ruled by it. It was being in the true witness, not merely being able to watch thoughts and feelings. I had incredible stamina and strength. And, the answer that I was looking for arrived. I was healed of my greatest fear, I knew ego was protecting itself from itself and causing all the problems, and it was relieved to step aside and allow another mind to take over. The other problem that lead me to healing and meditation wasn’t, although I felt I had infinite possibilities, or the whole world in my hands as it was delivered to me in the experience. I was informed that I had to return to who I am. At that time I didn’t know what “I Am” was. I’d never heard the term. It told me that I needed to stop doing what didn’t fit or feel right. However, it would be much harder than that. In the last five years I have learned there are two I am’s, the transcendent one, and the one that does what fits and feels right.

    I stayed in that space for weeks, living fully engaged in both minds. I asked other people who mediated in my group what I was experiencing. No one knew. I told a friend who is a therapist about it. He said it sounded like good mental health. He mentioned it to a colleague who uses meditation in therapy. He said, “If she reaches samadhi that easily and is struggling she’s doing something wrong and needs help with it.” I looked for help. I had never even heard the term samadhi, much less know what the experience was.

    I did something completely stupid, and I threw myself out that experience I was living in. And, yes, I came crashing down into depression that kept me in bed for two days. I have never experienced anything like it.

    I have maintained much of the experience, but not with the brilliance and clarity that I had first experienced. I live in the witness, the mind doing the watching, a direct experience of self. However, rather than having experiential separation from ego, I experience as a witness close to the pain, which is what I think that that ordinary consciousness does, although I am fortunate to also have easy access to that other awareness. I think that this is in part due to the fact that when I first experienced this, I was searching for a way to satisfy ego. I had not yet learned the power and satisfaction apart from ego. That’s where the real magic lies. It took five years of studying Michael Jackson, Deepak Chopra, and Ram Dass to understand what I had experienced. .

    I’ve tried finding people who could help me, both before the last five years, and after. I’ve tried ordinary New Age shamans and other woo woo types. I’ve tried some very impress gurus. Some of the people are well known or known enough. I apparently don’t do well with gurus. Three up three down. Guru No. 1. An old guy who was quiet a musician and approached his practice through mantra. I really learned the basics from him, but when I asked him what I had experienced he said to me, “I wish I could teach people what you can do. I am not going to teach you my secrets. Follow my sadhana.” For health reasons my body would not follow his sadhana. I wasn’t trying to steal the keys to the mystical kingdom. I just wanted to know what I was experiencing. I had no idea it was so special. It was another 10 years before I began to understand.

    Guru No.2. I went to a lot of his stuff. He’s very well known, but destroyed himself in the way that gurus do. I came upon him after his own personal demise. I had gone to enough of his stuff that he probably could recognize me, and I had figured out long ago that he was psychic, reading minds. I was flying high on Michael and John of God. After sitting in a weekend class and hearing that Michael Jackson merely was in the flow and not a transcended being for the 10th time, he started in on it again in the five day part of the course. He looked straight at me and said, “Michael Jackson, he was sick.” (Mind you, this is a man who destroyed his life by sleeping with the children of his followers.) I quietly left the class and took James Van Praagh’s class instead.

    Then there’s No. 3. It was a connection I had not asked for. I didn’t know anything like it was within the ability of human experience. I have only told you a small part of my experience with him. I may have lost a remarkable experience, but I can do it myself. The circumstances that caused the problem leave me feeling loss. It was not like the loss that came out of losing the samadhi experience. A psychic said that my feeling feels to her like an aborted initiation. That it was, disksha told me with telepathy. I think that he intended to show me the witness and True Self, the quiet state of awareness that goes with it, the Self through direct experience, but I already knew it. I think he was trying to demonstrate it’s all a dream. He showed me a sense of oneness and love that is only attention away. He showed me the power of egolessness and the power of love, and the remarkable power that comes out of that. When they say that all the power is in love, it’s true. Love without an object of love. It’s a strength that cannot be described. All the magic all that people desire comes out of it. Anger and hate and negativity, desire for power, all of that destroys the power and wonder that love creates, but you can only experience the miracle of it. Ego will never believe it, although that is what it wants. It is Christ Consciousness.

    No. 3 showed aspects of the mystical and spiritual experience that I didn’t know existed, but he could not bring me back to the mind I was searching for. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but it was that clarity and knowing that I write about earlier. I have the witness, but I can’t get out of the emotion. A few weeks ago, I went to a group healing. There was a woman in the class who has been grieving over her husband’s death. I stood behind her during her experience. I didn’t think I was effected. But when I got to the street peace washed over me in a way I had not remembered experiencing. Now, I was in the witness but free and apart from the pain. It stayed with me for a about an hour until I had to go home, but I had learned the piece I was searching for.

    I went back to the healer asking her to show me the experience, but she insisted on opening my heart. I explained to her that was not the issue. I lived in love without an object blown wide open in an ecstatic state of oneness that manifested magic beyond your wildest dreams. I love that state, but it’s not what brings me into a state of contentment and beingness that I was searching for. I was brought to peace by someone in the group who was transmitting the feeling deep peace, and experienced it myself. The healer was not doing it. I live in overwhelming loss. I had my entire life stripped from me, and there’s nothing in the outside world that I can do to fix it. I just feel loss, just like the woman grieving over her husband.

    You do have it absolutely right that I need to get to peace. I can stop my thoughts. I can’t stop my feelings and get to peace. I had never thought of feelings as being a thought. It was an ah ha moment when I read Ram Dass who wrote that emotion is thought form. I had indulged my feelings, using the witness to deeply observe them while I felt the because I was searching for a way to fix the losses, and witnessing gave me access to all the endless parts of what was I felt was wrong with my life that I needed to fix. I realize now that by doing this I most likely blocked the experience I was seeking. It certainly obscured peace.

    As I came into peace after the healing, and I came very deeply into peace, the very separated witness emerged. In normal waking awareness I saw that it was a with vortex, like looking down into a chalky white eye of a hurricane, but in the earth in front of me. Everything seemed possible. Clarity emerged. Then beyond that, I don’t have the words to describe. It was a sense of NOW that goes beyond normal absorption. I was going beyond now that the intellect cannot fathom. I was going beyond into a power that cannot be described.

    But, I don’t know how to get there on my own.There’s no meditation technique that I know that does that for me, and I know a lot of techniques, although I have been working with peace am I’m starting to access it. Deep peace that I experienced held the same sort of power that deep love does, but even in unimaginable love, I could not find peace. My mind, when it was brought to a place that resembles peace, but does not fully describe it, began to move into the states of clarity and knowing, and beingness and well being, that only samadhi has manifest. It is the only thing that will heal me. I had the clarity and knowing I was seeking after that healing a couple of months ago. It was an experience for me that kept me becoming more now, more present, more free of ego. It is an experience that cannot be translated into words.


    • I’ve really enjoyed reading Leonard Jacobson’s website describing his awakenings. They are much like mine. However, I seemed to have been taken into another world of dreams. I’ve been told it’s an astral world. If you read the description of Yoga Nidra on Wikipedia, it’s a far better description. Dreaming in waking awareness. These were not my dreams. It was dreamed with me and for me.

  6. All I can say is: I have learned much from stuie. He has lifted and brightened my life tremendously. He has made me a better person today and have so much respect for him. I respect and admire you. I thank you for sharing all your exp and knowledge. Rest in peace my friend. You are deeply missed. Angela

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